May I order some decent music, please?

Before we start I think I should point out I don't think I'm autistic, neither do I have aspergers. But for some reason I take song lyrics slightly too literally, with the result that they really annoy me.

Don't take this too seriously, but I'm not going to reel off a load of lyrics to get them out of my system.

"I can do it like a brother, do it like a dude" Jessie J

Most catchy song every, also the most annoying. No you can't do it like a brother, neither like a dude. Someone please give her an anatomy lesson.

"Russian roulette is not the same without a gun" Lady Gaga

Profound. For those who don't know Russian roulette is where one has a revolver with a bullet in one of its six chambers. The chamber of the gun is then spun randomly so that the user of the weapon does not know whether or not the weapon is loaded or empty. So Russian roulette isn't the same without the gun... it isn't possible without the gun. Who writes this stuff?

"The boys they wanna sex me" Black eyed peas.

This is wrong for two reasons. One, grammatically, it sounds like someone with an IQ of 25.5 has been writing songs (hardly the ideal example). I know they were just desperate to fit something into the line to make it rhyme but could they really not think of anything better? Lets face it Black eyed peas songs sell in their millions, could they not afford just to spend an extra minute trying to think of an ACTUAL sentence.

Two, the tacit agreement between song writers and the public at large is that when writing popular songs they are only ever to use innuendo. This is a fundamental rule that ought never be broken. It is a courner stone of radio broadcasting. Why? Because when people follow the rule the the only people who hear the intent of the writer are those who are already aware of the concepts being sung. Those who are innocent of such concepts remain so, and thus songs can be played at 9 o'clock in the morning without causing too much harm. This song totally and utterly bins this rule and forsakes the tacit agreement and for what? A really quite terrible line in a 'not particularly good song'. Come on writers, you're paid a wage, do your job and start writing lyrics that at least meet the lofty standard of someone who can just about string a whole sentence together.

Rihanna... where to start, first, shouldn't your name be spelt Rhianna. Otherwise it would be pronounced "Ree-hanna" which just seems wrong.
Second, when Rihanna first started she had a song with a line that I actually liked:

"cause in the dark, you can't see shiny cars " Rihanna

Now, least inportantly it makes literal sense. Yes, in the absence of light it is not possible to perceive a shiny car using the visible light spectrum. Check.

Next I like the metaphorical meaning too. When things are going badly material wealth doesn't really make much difference and therefore becomes rather unimportant. Wow, was that actually something deep in a pop song? I nearly fell off my chair.

Since then though, Rihanna has apparently given over her song writing duties to someone who it appears confuses his work for that of a lyical pimp.

I would quote a few lyrics but frankly I don't have the time and I wouldn't want to repeat them in case I offend someone with taste. Out of 5 of her songs that have been played on the radio, two of them refer to sex explictly and two others refer to riding (maybe she's an equestrian fan), but in fairness there is nothing in the song with Eminem about sex. I guess the focus there was more on beating your partner, so presumably Eminem thought that the mood shouldn't be ruined with sexual references.

I started this rant talking about stupid songs, but I have to admit sometimes I actually am greatful for them.

"Cause I'd get a thousand hugs, From ten thousand lightning bugs" Owl City

Now this is a pretty absurd line of a song. Getting hugs from insects? Right, someone has a vivd imagination, but when this comes on, I think so myself, great, a song that doesn't involve show jumping or domestic violence. What a refreshing change!

And maybe that brings me full circle in this argument. Yeah, there are some seriously retarded lyrics out there, but frankly I'm grateful for them if them give me a break from the monotony of sex, violence and cocaine. I even heard one DJ complaining that for a time Eminem was producing songs that didn't include the 3 topics mentioned above. Instead he was rapping about how he felt about his family. Yeah, because there are just so many songs like that out that Eminem was just flooding the market?

I guess I'm just asking for a bit more. Sure a song with a catchy tune is great, but is it that hard to think of something a little bit deeper, about which to sing, than basically a Friday night in a dive end of town?

Who knows, maybe if they can get their head around that then the lyrics might even start to make sense and we won't have to listen to what someone scribbled down in their lunch break.

In the mean time maybe I'll just have to spent more time hangin' with my hommes Mozart and Beethoven, or maybe Tim Hughes...